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KIDS IN CHURCH

 

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

 

GOD IS LIKE..........

 

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results:


GOD is like BAYER ASPIRIN ... He works miracles.

GOD is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.

GOD is like COKE ... He's the real thing.

GOD is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.

GOD is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GOD is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.

GOD is like SEARS ... He has everything.
               
GOD is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
               
GOD is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
              
GOD is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.

GOD is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.

GOD is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
 

Children quote the bible.

 

The following was written by children, no corrections have been made.

 

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were drowned in the desert.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

Solomon, one of David's sons had 300 wives and 300 porcupines.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.  

 

 

Children's Notes to God 


Dear God, 
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now. 

 

Dear Mr. God, 
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. 


Dear God, 
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! 
He said some things about you that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).


Dear God, 
I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.

 

Dear God, 
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?


Dear God: 
Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You,
because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.

 

Dear God, 
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?


Dear God, 
It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?


Dear God, 
In bible times did they really talk that fancy? 

 

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.


 
Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation?


Dear God, 
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your Idea.


Dear God, 
I didn't think orange went with purple until I  saw the sunset you made on Tuesday.

 

 

You might be becoming too much of a fundamentalist when...

 

* You pronounce "sin" with two syllables.

* You enjoy talking to people in King James English.

* You are building your own pulpit for your living room.

* Your wife puts a scripture tract about gluttony in your lunch. * You have your initals stamped on your 10+ Bibles.

* You think hair tonic is Biblical.

* You believe Moses should have shaved.

* You say Amen more than once an hour.

* You pray so long your food gets cold.

* You say "Gosh" & "Darn."

* You name your children after the apostles.

* You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at work.

* You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.

* You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.

* You know that unscrambling "Santa" is "Satan."

* You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.

* You exchange any currency that has three 6's in a row.

* You think credit cards are a tool of the devil.

* You think computers are a tool of the devil.

* You think the internet is a tool of the devil.

* You think that bar codes are a tool of the devil.

* You think movies are a tool of the devil.

* You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten   Commandments ...but you repent of watching it because   movies are a tool of the devil.

* You have a fish symbol on the back of your car, your boat,   and your briefcase ...you'd get a tattoo, but they're tools of   the devil.

 

 

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