YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN.........................

 

The telltale signs of getting old:

  • You may have heard the rumor that life begins at fifty. Maybe it's true but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
  • There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. And I canít remember  the other two.
  • Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.
  • Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that unfortunately a little late for a guy to get those odds?
  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
  • You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
  • Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
  • Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
  • Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
  • You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
  • When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
  • Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  • It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
  • When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
  • You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
  • Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"  and you answer,  "Honey, I can't do both!"
  • You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
  • When an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!
  • "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
  • "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
  • You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

 

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID  
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 Your ears are hairier than your head.
You got cable for the weather channel.

Your back goes out more than you do.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD :
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a     roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to as you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

How do you know when you are getting old?

Everything hurts!
What doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eye is the sun shining on your bifocals.
You feel like the morning after,
But you haven't been anywhere.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You join the health club, but you don't go.
A dripping tap causes an uncontrollable urge.
You have all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You need glasses to find your glasses.
You turn out the light for economy instead of romance,
You are in a rocking chair, but cannot make it go.
Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your house is too big.
Your medicine box not big enough.
Your teeth sink into a steak, and they stay there.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of all the candles.

SUCCESS:

At age   4 success is ... . Not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Comparison stages:

 

The best way of describing a woman is to use a ball.
At 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.

At 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men after her.
At 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man after her.
At 48, she is a Ping-Pong ball - 2 men pushing to each other.

What woman think about sex:
At age 8 ignore it.
At age 18 experience it.
At age 28 look for it.
At age 38 ask for it.
At age 48 beg for it.
At age 58 pay for it.
At age 68 pray for it.
At age 78 forget it!

 

Man's sexual stages
At 20s thrice weekly
At 30s tries weekly
At 40s tries weakly
At 50s tries & tries
At 60s tries & cries
At 70s tries & dies!

The best way of describing a man is to compare him to fruits.
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.

 

 

 

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